Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
