I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
