you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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