I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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