i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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