nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
