All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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