My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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