I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
