I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
