if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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