I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
