Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
