If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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