Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
