evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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