Sacagawea was the original milf.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
