I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
