I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
