he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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