I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
