Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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