Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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