When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
