two words...techno handjob
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
