two words...techno handjob
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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