I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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