I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
