I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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