they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
