im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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