Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
