My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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