Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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