my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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