When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
