Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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