if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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