I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
