I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
