thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
