I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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