Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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