Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
