Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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