maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize