Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
