Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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