hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
