OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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