So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
