I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
