I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
