ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
