I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
