3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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