I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
