Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
