you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
