his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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