hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
