i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
