I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize