I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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