I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize