I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
