Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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